Carte Blanche

Dear Diary,


I was reading someones diary yesterday, and it triggered a memory in me with my Ex. It is weird how things just set off your emotions. The person had mentioned Cheese Curds.


My Ex raved about those and brought them home for the kids and I when we were still attempting the marriage last year. I remember sitting there and how chewy rubbery they felt and how we laughed. My Ex was saying “Arent they weird!?” and we would laugh as I chewed one. Then when I went back with him to where he is staying he wanted to get some deep fried. We went to this really nice cozy type pub/sports bar and sat there together in that little town back east. That was the last time I saw my ex. Was that trip. Yes its a small good memory. Why is it the little nice moments can flutter to the surface at times? When the overall feel of the trip with him was not good and the last time I was with him.

Ok as I type this the bad parts are starting to flood into my memory. Ugh my eyes are getting watery.


Well B called me around 11:30 last night. He just played silent on what was up. I still dont have the full picture, but basically he said he can feel it in the air that his welcome is starting to wear thin and the place and so hes starting to prepare to move. He was so frustrated with his room and throwing things away last night. Saying when he lived in Nashville he could fit all of his possessions into his Jeep and that made him feel good, that now he has too much stuff and he doesnt like. That his family is full of packrats and hes vowed to never be like them and his clutter is bothering him.


He got very defensive with me, talking to me like I overeact and am not able to understand. So I had a little talk with him about giving me more credit, and why does he think I cant be understanding? I told him Im often left in the dark, that I care and am concerned, but that he just throws me pieces of a puzzle, and then tells me back off, so Im left wondering what on earth is even going on. He said ” I dont ask people for help” I said “Well maybe thats part of your problem” He said “perhaps you are right” and I shared with him about how I view a committed relationship as being in a place where 2 can come together and help one another, its not about fixing one another but offering, help, support, etc. And I told him I feel that he will not allow me to be that for him. We had a good long talk. He was talking about his mothers house, how its just dark and depressive and asking me if I felt it when I was there? And seemed bothered that I didnt. I said “My memory of going to your Moms place is you petting your cats and talking about what sweethearts they were, or sharing your childhood photos with me” So I have taken different feelings away from going there, Im aware of how your mother is and the life there from what you have shared, and Im not disagreeing with it, just telling you that I view things more positively and optimistacally then you do” he said “Yes I guess you are right, I really cant think of anyone I have ever shown those photos to other then family, you need to go to my Grandmothers house, shes has Hundreds of pictures of me.” I said “Oh yeah?” He said “Oh yeah, you need to meet my Grandma, she would love you” I said “Think so?” Hes all “God yeah”

When I mentioned to him about asking for help he said “I dont ask people for help, Im to ego centered.”


I have learned a lot in the last year about asking for and accepting help. My sister sort of snapped it into me sitting in the garage one night at my parents house. I was all afraid of the cost of the divorce and what to do, back when I was considering an attorney. My sister said “Victoria, mom and dad will help you, LET THEM. So many people out there dont have any help, quit worrying about what you are going to do, Mom and Dad wont let you fall, allow them to do this, dont worry about the money, they want to, LET THEM.” She said “You know of course you will have to pay them back, whether its $20 a month, they wont care Victoria, they want to help you”


So I had to put down my pride. Sure I felt good not having borrowed from my parents in several years since I was getting the ex and I into a good financial place. We would have been debt free last year as a couple other then a mortgage payment. Excellent credit.


Well thank god I filed Jan of 2001 because he has wrecked the credit and ran up more debt then we even had together. But hey! I almost reached the debt free goal! And on my own thank you! One credit card left to go, its at about $900 now. And thats all I have left. ( Once again, the attorneys fees will be a new bill but this is necessary)


At times I feel like Im in this dream. I just want to back out, I cant believe what is occuring. But if I back out, I loose. I have no alternative which is where this is so hard. You cannot have a marital settlement agreement with a person who wont agree. And I dont want to spend my life with all of these open ends of things with him. I want them severed and done. The emotional ties will remain, but I can do without so many others. I have also been thinking now about changing back to my maiden name. Im not ready just right now to do it because my plate is full as it is and my mind is jumbled with so much paperwork all over my house and things I need to finish. But its hard to have that name attached to yourself, its another reminder, so we shall see.


Im getting my hair trimmed and straightened today after work. Will be nice to relax and feel pampered, and the girl has been through all of this with me so much new divorce info to share.


I had a talk with my children last night. Ive been so busy guarding them from everything that is going on. Its time for me to stop that. I was at group yesterday and discussing this there, the situation of my kids calling me constantly and then wanting to keep talking about her to me and how difficult and painful it is and I just want my kids to stop. So when i told them I didnt want to talk about her, I noticed yesterday morning my young one started to say something and his brother stopped in, to remind him mom doesnt want to hear that. I felt bad, I dont want my child afraid to speak, and the other one policing him. So at group we talked about that this is my emotions in all of this, Im avoiding pain, pain that will continue to be there and crop up. And that I need to learn to deal with that, but he told me how good it is that my children DID call me, and CAN tell me about her. That I need to always keep the open lines of communication with them. He told me “Give your children “Carte Blanche” I think thats the proper word? French for a Blank Check. I said “Give me an example of what you mean?” So he said it like this, pretending he is speaking to my children. “Im glad that you can come talk to me about your father, you know you can always talk to me, and if you dont feel like talking about him you dont have to. Im glad you feel that you can call me when you are away, and that if you want to call me you can, but you dont have to if you dont want to” He said, “Leave it to them to, let it be their responsibility.”


But he said it was also good I explained to them that I new this woman, and that I told them she had lied to me. That this is tangible for them, that it is real. And the children can then form their own opionions. I just presented a scenario of what has occured but havent told them what to do, stay away from her, how to feel, I just told them how I feel.


Its scary, my little guys are growing up. I cant be Momma bird forever, and I need to arm them with more tools and information. Im not saying being mean or inappropriate. But also not presenting a false facade of what has been occurring. These children have no idea what their Grandmother has said about them, and that is not appropriate to tell them, but my counselor said “its as simple as saying. “She is telling lies about you 2 and I dont like that” Im still nervous to even say something like that.

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