Time To LIVE!

Dear Diary,

Well as far as the news story with the boy found in the pool. Still am waiting to hear the autopsy info. But I just still am boggled how the police in Beverly Hills are saying its POSSIBLE they missed the boys body in the pool?? After 2 freaking days? But we shall wait and hear, it all just sounds bizarre. How can the police, or the family who lived in the home where he turned on missing from a bday party NOT CHECK THE POOL? SO last night they were having some expert with speculations on if the boy was planted there, either the killer felt guilty and put the boy back, or else the killer put him back as a slap in the face to the police.

As far as the 21 yr old Woman who has been arrested. I heard more today. I guess they had suspicions on her already, so they put a tracking device on her car, and that was how they busted her in the act of planting razor blades and nails in Orange County, Ca parks where children play.

I dont really watch much of the news, but I caught these stories Sunday night and have been following them since.

Onto other things,

I got my cooler up and running yesterday, Mom and I got up on the roof, she fixed the float and we changed the cooler pads. We then moved a dresser into my oldest childs room. I took apart his old bed frame and moved it out. So I was quite busy, dirty, and sweaty yesterday. The kids were having such a great time! My little one said a few things like “Mommy, I like it here, we have nice neighbors” And saying how fun it was.

We moved into this house a little over 2 yrs ago. Its a street with primarly elderly people, the new families are creeping in gradually as the old owners pass on. So directly around me there werent really any children, except for my next door neighbors with a toddler. My other neighbor who came in not long ago is wonderful. Quiet man, wife and daughter. But my kids love playing with her, shes sorta tomboyish and can play like the boys. So they have a great time with her. And now the little girl next door is starting to be out more and her mom brought her over the other day because she wanted to see our pet rats, haha.

Its really nice. Ive always wanted to feel more a part of my neighborhood. I have great neighbors on both sides, and with the warm weather everyone is out doors. The kids can play but be right next door and they all ride bikes up and down the street. Im so glad for them, I had children around when I was a kid, all I did was come home from school and play till the street lights went on. And Im glad the kids are outdoors. Im not big on them watching hours of tv, playing video games, or on the computer. Instead they are being active, out interacting with others. 🙂 But I must add my son is very anxious for the second computer. Its almost ready, boyfriend just had troubles with the mouse not working, its an older computer, so he thinks he needs to download a driver or something, so thats last thing left to finish!

Im feeling better. I ended up exhausted Monday night, I couldnt stay awake and I was falling asleep on boyfriend on the phone. He said “You need your rest, youve been going thru a lot emotionally” He seems a little withdrawn to me since seeing him Sunday night. Ive noticed hes acting strange. But he hasnt said anything. So I guess Im just leaving it be, Ive been acting strange also with all the emotions I was going thru, and still will be. But I am doing better. THANK GOD! Its always those first few days of emotional hurts that are the worst.

I watched Dr Phil the other day on Oprah. And he was talking about “Your true authentic self” its funny because the show covered so much of what I have been all week in both of my groups. In one group we are talking about PERSONAS. Who are we? Who do we portray? Who do we want to be? Who are we really?

Wearing a Mask. I wear masks, become what I believe people want me to be, instead Im not being my true self, afraid to be my true self for fear they wont like me or judgement. But inside Im killing my own self, denying who I really am, its time to live for me and not everyone else. So what if they dont like me? Im the one who has to live with me! I guess my biggest lesson at the moment is NOT CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME!

OH! I recieved a message on my machine last night! Some guy I met in DC about 5 yrs ago, who I knew from a Internet Chat room. He and I were really close for a time. I called him a lot when I was in the abusive anger period with my ex. Id call him crying and hed be there to listen and talk to me to calm me down. I remember my car broke down at a rest stop at 11pm at night! 3 hrs from home. I sat on the payphone with this guy until my ex could arrive. I was so scared sitting there that night.

But as with anything he was in West VA, he was a nice guy and all, but he was married several times, and various children he didnt really see. So as nice of a guy he was to me, those things told me about his character. A man who has kids but doesnt see them, that does bother me. So we just always mainted a net friendship. When I did meet him we went dancing till 2 am, had a blast, he met my girlfriend who went on the business trip with me. He gave me a gold bracelet before I left, and on the plane I realized it was real gold. I was in shock!

So guess who calls last nite? Yep Mr L. Its sad, but I think hes calling because his newest relationship/live in partner, is finding out how dishonest he is, someone spoke to me online a week ago about this guy, said another one of the old Net chat room guys were asking about me. Ahhh and here I am, newly to be divorced, and when a guy is looking for the next woman to emotional suck in and then leach off of for awhile to live, well why not come a calling Sweet little Victoria?? Ahhh how much I have changed since back then. THe guy is nice and all, but interest in a romantic sense? NONE!

Im supposed to have a meeting with my Attny tomm. Im going to discuss changing my number. So I will totally cut off a whole world that way. Go unlisted. Provide my ex with my cell number. But want to cover all this with my attny. Just so I can have peace of mind answering my own telephone.

Oldest called ex this AM, Ex wanted to talk to me? Mind you if I call him, which I rarely do, only time is when its a concern over the kids well being. He hangs up on me? I cant get past Hello without “I gotta go!” ::click::

So now he wants to talk to me? He asked if I got the kids dental cards. I said No. He said “Oh well Ill get back to the secretary right away on it” He said “well I can give you the info” I said OK? I got a pen. So he fumbles around awhile, but then says he cant find it. I said “Why dont u just email it to me” He said “Ok I can do that” and that was it.

WHat was that about? My Mom says “Hes trying to get that Fixed since hes going to court, since he was in comtempt for pulling you all off the policy after being served. Hes trying to cover himself and show you what a GOOD guy he is”

Who knows? I just pray I have it soon! My child has been waiting awhile now, and all that means is the teeth can only get worse so he will probably have to have the X rays done AGAIN for the third time! Because I keep having to wait! And they have to check the progress of the bad teeth. My youngest has such a senstive gag reflex, so X rays are a traumatic thing for him, hes even thrown up before. So yes I dread going in again. Hes almost finished, this was his last appointment, but who knows now how things are in his mouth.

Well things are ok at the moment, Kids are doing pretty good. Im feeling better, Having to do a lot of self talk when I start to tell myself negative things or feel less than or fear. I have to replace them with good things.

Sounds funny, but this AM the woman popped back into my head again, how thin she is, how pretty, how nicely dressed. I said to myself “Victoria, Stop It! Why does it matter? You are beautiful. You have a nice body, You have curly hair people always wish they had, You are a good woman, you are taking care of your family and you have a good heart. You dont have to deal with your Ex anymore, she now will get to deal with him. Who cares Victoria!”

And it actually works, talking to myself, telling myself my positive qualities, reminding myself of why Im not with this person.

Its time for the real me to come out, to stop hiding in the shadows, Its time to be set free. ANd Ive been the biggest hindrance to myself. Its time for me to LIVE!