Hug my Ex?

Dear Diary,

Well I slept 5 hrs. Could have used some more sleep. I went to bed at 3:30 am. I pretty much sat at the computer until I was ready to fall asleep in my chair to help pass the time till I would collapse. I turned on the cieling fan, and turned on the ocean waves sound and fell asleep. I just wish I didnt wake up as soon as I did. I laid in bed awhile but once I awake my mind switch flips back on and I cant go back to sleep.

The wind has kicked up today. Ah the weather here, Its like a scorching 95 degrees 2 days ago, now Im wrapped in a blankie in my office and I can hear the wind.

Kids are interesting. The words they say, the things they tell you. As we were all driving to the beach yesterday, boyfriend in tote, my little one blurts out from the back seat “Mommy, Daddy always talks at church” Immediatley I thought back when were together. He still goes to the same church we spent all of our life together going to. 10 yrs in a church is a long time. But im the one who made the break from that place. Our pastor abused his authority, and well I finally started to see what was going on, and I stopped going there. My ex has a hard time going to any other church. He even told one of our counselors how he was bothered I wouldnt go there and that I was just using it as an excuse and i needed to get over it. The counselor said to him “Obviously your wife has some serious hurt over things that have happened there, do you really think she will get much out of going there, if it brings up a lot of bad memories?” I still went to church, I often went alone. I just went elsewhere. Whenever we went elsewhere he griped about the service, or the music, or whatever it was. He wants to stay put in his old place, where that mindset we once lived in is held.

Well back to the kids comment. When Ex and I did go to church, he rarely sat thru a service with me, he would say he was going to the bathroom and would never return. This used to upset me, I would tell him often, ask him why he came to church? He would instead go and socialize with people. Or else he was working the sound board and couldnt sit with me either. All I ever wanted was to feel like I was important, his wife. I wanted my husband next to me. But instead I sat alone, went and got the kids from childcare, then waited as he chit chatted after service also. Its fine, I dont mind socializing, but its weird. As my boss told me once, You were a Trophy. I was nice to have there in the picture all the time for him, to show off, but that was often all there was. I wasnt WITH him. I was HIS.

So Im thinking the kids are saying “Daddy talks a lot” And meaning in church, but then I was thinking “Hmm the kids are in childrens church” THen my little one says again “Mommy Daddy always talks for a long time after church,and hes always talking to the SAME PEOPLE! And we want to go”

Then I just looked at boyfriend and said “Im sure Daddy is” in a low town. I just said to the kids people like to visit after church, that we do it also, but the church we are at the kids know people and have things to do and they have snacks to eat.

But now it fits another piece to the puzzle. This is where the woman goes to church. So Im guessing this is probably who he is talking to after service for long periods of time.

And my ex was always so fixated on having me, he needs a woman, he told me he cant be alone. And I know that if he has her here,she will become more important then they are. I know his personality. So those short weekends here as it is with them, will become shorter because his interest lies elsewhere.

As I said, in the past, he has left the kids overnight during a 2 day visit to meet a woman at a park from online. Another visit he left a day early left the children with his mother to meet another woman online and slept on the beach with her since they had nowhere to go.

What parent who moves across the US, sees there children every 6 weeks, then spends those 2 day visits with the children and leaves them to meet women crammed in to that mini amount of time? Yes there is nothing I can do about his behavior. But yeah its saddening.

He sent the kids a package this week, and a letter saying he loves and misses them and thinks about them all the time. It had two small packages of legos in it. Of course they were thrilled. There Dad has mailed them about 3 letters in about a year and a halfs time. My mother even told my ex how important letters are for the children. So hes on good behavior now, whatever prompted it, his attorney? Me telling his woman that hes not there for his kids? I dont know, but its something right? I tell myself look at the bright side, me telling that woman what i did in the bank that day, was mainly about his lack of being there for his children, maybe she told him? Encouraged him to be there more for his kids?

But how one lives so far away, and can live with themself and be away from their children the way he does, I cannot personally comprehend. The convo I had with this woman that day when I had no clue she was seeing my ex involved this….

Her:So it must be hard on the kids, is it?

Me: Well at first it was really hard, they cried a lot, but I hate to say it, they are better now, they have adjusted to him gone.

Her: How often does he see them?

Me: About every 6 weeks for 2 days.

Her: Well I guess its tough with his job and all.

and this was the last thing I said to her as I left

Me: Well yes, but he has a choice, he doesnt have to work so far away and be away from them”

and she said “Ohhhh” with a sad tone and look on her face as I said goodbye and left the bank.

As I relayed in group the scenario about my ex and her and all that has happened. I have been told how this whole scenario reaks of drama.

A woman I have known all my marriage and trusted, we went to church together and our families our close.

She is married, she said her husband was having an affair with her best friend, she follows her husband catches him in a park talking to her best friend, she physically beats him, I cant recall the story to well if she hurt her also. Its a blur because it was awhile ago when she told me the story. It may have been she assaulted them both, but she had charges brought against her for it. She is still not divorced from him, why I dont know.

So she obviously has been betrayed by a friend. She has experienced jealousy and rage and violence. And then she plays nice and asks me questions about my ex, in a place where I trusted her and spoke as a friend to friend thing, yet secretly she is seeing him, I have no clue, yet she inquires about him with me, and then sees him that very same day? What kind of person is that?

Sure she doesnt need to tell me she is seeing him, but the part that is unsettling is she was asking me info about him and about me, that is the part, that quote someone in group said “That sneaky bitch”

If she has distrust, betrayal, jealousy issues, yet she plays me as a fool? And is in turn inflicting on me what she has had happen to her? I dont get people.

But then theres my ex who is probably connected to her with the “We have both been wronged,left, cheated on,” connection to her. They can both give one another sympathy for how they are not to blame, how we MADE them do what they do, and once again not take responsibility for their actions. Just the one difference when I was with my ex was I didnt act jealous or controlling, and I didnt have a violent temper. This woman does.

So it makes you wonder what will occur between these two? Do I think my ex can control whats in his pants whiles he off in between other states and having to wait until each visit out here to see her? Well when we were apart? He was with several women, once he slept with them and left, he ended it, will he end it with her the same, yet she is not some stranger from the net, this is a long time person in our lives with some more depth?

Its evil I know, but I guess part of me says, Give it to him! And wants to see him screw up here, wants someone else from that church to finally see what it is I was LIVING with, and if he shows this side to her and burns her, he will burn a bridge that spans a whole entire family and core group of old friends, yes do I want to see him screw up? How can I not? I lived thru this for how long with him and was the brunt of it all, I kept quiet and nobody knew how he treated me. And Im sure all they here from him on his end is how I was a cheater and left him. Not telling the real story. The part of him they never knew.

I just wonder know how my ex will respond to the kids mentioning boyfriend? They havent yet to him, but I know it will come any day now. If anything in about 2 weeks. He said hes coming out, and we will have our first court date. It will be strange sitting in a court room with him, being in the same room but not speaking and having others speak for us. It will be nerve wracking, Im sure my stomach will be in knots.

I feel bad, Im going thru guilty feelings, put his feelings before mine a bit lately. But I have to remind myself “Victoria, you are holding him responsible for his actions and nothing more, there is nothing wrong with that, dont let him guilt you into feeling wrong for doing so, its the only way to set up a boundary with him, and to let him know you will not tolerate his behavior and treatment of you any longer”

I just wish it didnt have to happen this way, and as my ex’s phone call about 3 weeks ago where he said “Victoria, Im sorry things have to go this way and that Im losing a friendship out of this” and I responded “I know,It doesnt have to be that way, and it doesnt have to stay this way” Our tones were soft with eachother. It felt good, and he quickly hung up. He knows how to operate, and craves drama and the outbursts, He plays games and makes issues bigger then they are, THis is how he was as a person.

One day, I still have the hope that one day I will get to hug him again, it may take some time, but one day Lord?