Cant Focus

Dear Diary,


I keep writing so much here and there, its all I know how to do.


I am so unfocused today at work, its hard for me, I just want to leave, yet if I leave I just go home and sit with myself just the same.


I so badly want to see my boyfriend. I just want to curl up and be held. Thats all 🙁


Since he got in so late he probably wont be awake until 12 or so.


Im feeling so strange. Its like my mind goes thru these thoughts over and over again.


One thing is I think fondly about my ex, Im sad that we didnt work out, I think about just holding him and crying with him, telling him I do love him. I think about how much he just wanted to stay with me, at least how he said he did. How the first time he came to see me after we had been apart for a most of last year and I crawled on his lap on the couch, how he cried, how he said it felt so good to have me want him, I can remember how crisp his jacket was, how stiff his belt was around his waist against me. How I spent 12 yrs with him, and he seemed different, still familiar, but also different.


People tell me to think of the reasons why I can hate him, the reasons why I am not with him. Im fully aware of them. The reason I am NOT with him is not because I dont love him, its because I do. Its because I love myself enough to not be with him also. I know that he loves me in the best way that he understands love, but I am getting help, he is not. He doesnt see his own personal need. And that is WHY we are not together. He cannot take responsibilty for areas of his life and deal with them. I could not change him, pray hard enough, encourage, any of those things enough to get him well. THis is something that will have to come on his own.


Its so hard feeling at odds with someone you loved and grew up and had children with. I wonder if we will ever reach a day of peace and a new respect and friendship with eachother.


Im envious that this other woman is so beautiful. It sounds petty but its how I feel.


Divorce sucks, relationships breaking apart SUCKS.


My mother told me my little one has said twice to her when she has had him after his group and Im not back yet “My Dad was good to my Mom at Christmas time”


::Cries::

That was the last time they saw us together. They had no idea Christmas eve I was in a panic. Called my mother in law crying and scared and wanting him out of the house. Ex was out with the kids at a movie and just returned to the house. I was locked in the bedroom. But we held it together, and we had Christmas as a family.

::Cries::

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