Hopeful for Good Reason?

Dear Diary,

I was just reading Sez’s Entry on “Best Laid Plans” I spend so much time trying to figure out how others in my life work, why they do what they do, trying to explain their behaviors, to make sense of everything. I want to be understanding and compassionate of others, but at what expense of myself?

My friend said my boyfriend has some symptoms of “Agoraphobia” boyfriend swings up and down with this. I guess what struck me about Sez’s entry was how she was a no roots kinda girl. And all that she described and how that changed.

Ive thought at times “Would i date a man with children?” and I said “God no! Ive done enough child raising as it is, and I dont need that added pressure and burden along with a new relationship” Reason Ive had these thoughts is a certain Christian man has been calling me off and on throughout my separation. He has also experienced a divorce. He is friendly and nice and he and I go back to highschool youth group. He also has 3 children. EEEKS. He owns his own home, works with handicapped children. But my god my kids and his kids? Thats an equation my mind doesnt even want to think upon. 5 CHILDREN! ALL BOYS! And well I just am not attracted to the guy! Ha, but I started to think about it, I think if the person is someone you fall in love with and truly see a wonderful relationship with, you can entertain the thoughts of their children, At least in my way of thinking, If I love someone, I need to be able to love all that they are, and a parent just may be a part of that. If I cant embrace it all, well then where is that relationship headed?

Boyfriend is very fearful of my children and has told me so. Now this isnt an entry where Im saying TOMMOROW be with my kids! Because we are both aware of the divorce right now and wanting to have a finality in all of that for all of our lives before that ever being brought up. But I am noticing so many areas with him. Excuses. And I guess I wonder when will they end?

Meanwhile I have a guy pal who has invited me and my children out to a Memorial Day lake camping weekend with a group of his friends. And he is totally cool with children. Its a different thing, there are some men who totally are cool with kids. Some who are standoffish. Some who just dont really care.

So my point? My boyfriend has had the old attitude that Sez said she held too, except his hasnt changed, he stated how he is content in his state. I have expressed discontent,

I dont know what Im trying to write at the moment,

Im hopeful yet apprehensive and cautious about my relationship with him, is that contradictory?

As I left his place yesterday he told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. He placed a $20 bill in my hand and said “That is to help you with the babysitter since I said I would help you the last time but you didnt have to pay a sitter, so now you can use it.”

So this week he invited me somewhere, and he made a conscious effort to introduce me to people(hes not always been good with that and he knows it so he tried really hard and did well) And then rememberd the offering to help me with a sitter when that day has come and gone yet he still gave me some cash to help.

So I guess these are the small things that make me hopeful.

Oh I dunno

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