Boyfriend Questions

Dear Diary,

Its so nice to be home. To sit in the dark and kick my shoes off and relax. House is quiet. My tummy is full, Mom made us all dinner, mmmmm was good. Shes making my favorite dish tommorow night! Oh I have to go over. My sister and her family will be out for Easter. Grandmas brand egg noodles with fresh ham, I dont know how my mom cooks this stuff, buts its almost like a thick soup with the ham saturating the broth and giving the noodles a sweet taste. Its so delicious! I was just telling boyfriend the other night how I love that stuff.

I went to pick up easter goodies after work today and ran into a girlfriend from highschool, she wants me to call her and for us to get together with our kids. I informed her another friend of ours from school is in town from Co with her child, and we should all try and get together. So on the way to Moms house I stopped by my girlfriends parents place down the street. She came in this week from Co, she was my best friend during highschool and a little ways into marriage. Then we didnt talk for a few years. So I stopped in and greeted her with a big hug and said hello to her parents. She said she may have some free time tomm afternoon so hopefully we can all get together!

I spoke to boyfriend yesterday, currently hes going to work about 6am till 3pm. Then off to his second job at 5pm till mostly closing which can vary from 9-11pm. So he was so exhausted. He cant keep this up but he said hes gonna hang in there as long as he can for the cash. This sudden job was a temp agency job with more pay then his other jobs. But this allows him No time for a life at all. Hes going to be work and sleep for awhile. I told him I understand, which I really do. I know it wont stay this way, he has to take advantage while he can.

I do think about us quite a bit. Wonder about us and a future. What kind of future can we have? Yet at the same time I try and tell myself to not worry and enjoy things as they are right now. I guess its the uncertanty that is weird for me. I have decided next semester I want to take some film classes. So this will be a whole new road Im going to give a try. Why not? Its what my work revolves around, and its a field I could eventually make good money in, production. So I browsed the local college courses and Im gonna give it a try.

I want to live nicely. I want my kids in a good community, nice schools. I want to not struggle all the time financially. I dont want to be dependent on my flakey ex for money. He has officially gone his first month come end of March of not paying child or spousal support. And now removing us all from the dental plan, Oh and like his excuse via email today “Ohhh Ill see about it, the company switched plans” was his lie of an excuse. If that were TRULY the case then when I called he would have been removed from the policy also, If his company had “Switched” we would have all been switched. Hes such a liar. But his time is coming.

So back to boyfriend. He made some comment the other night about how hes content being broke, that Im the one who seems to care about having Money. That irked me. This is the stuff that makes me wonder how we can work out. I desire to travel, go places, see things. I want to make time for getaways and things. Im not saying big expensive things, but in his mind he even told me hes only had to think of himself, and when I mention staying away over night somewhere he thinks “Damn that could buy a part for my vehicle” Which is fine, if that is what he needs to do, but I also feel people have to set aside and invest in special time as a couple. And he is content to hanging out at home or sleeping together. I want more. And I just wonder how will this change? Will it? What do I say to him?

Yet here is the other part of it. He is the one person I love to call, I love to turn to, so there are parts of him that are very special to me. But are they enough for the long run I guess is what Im asking. Im really concerned about what he will be like around my children, I have no idea to be honest. And I guess I wonder what if I dont like how he is around them? That is majorly important. He lacks so much patience and the way he speaks to me, how will he be with my children?

I told him last night that if he gets to busy with his job, be careful with his other one, dont burn your bridges there I said. Cause I know how he can get, just not inform people, show up late, have a poor attitude, since he knows he wont stay. He got very defensive when I said that to him. I just dont really know how to be helpful or encouraging to him in these areas. Its like he just doesnt want to hear it, doesnt feel he needs it, and I just feel like the relationship is one sided, my input isnt considered. He has no real goals, or ambitions or belief in himself for the future, and I try to help and encourage, yet he shuts me down when I try to do so. So its like what does a person do? How do I say something?

So part of me says “well its not like you have much time for anything else Victoria, you have your kids, and legal battles and work, what more do you want?”

So lets see, what is it I want right now?

Ok so Im gonna lay it out,,,

I want a person who does for me the same way I do for them. Exchanges in affection, back rubs, cards, flowers once in a while would be nice. Someone who can plan a date, who can relax and laugh and enjoy what the world has to offer. Someone who wants to see new sights and has an excitement for life.

But then again am I looking for a carbon copy of me? How many things must one have in common to make something work?

But I will say this. I spent so many years with my Ex, always struggling financially because of his excessive spending. We were always strapped, he made good money and we could have done so many neat and exciting things, I was so consumed with the bills always getting paid, and worrying about money that I couldnt enjoy going out. I want to go to fine restaraunts, walk evenings on piers by the ocean, get away on a weekend to a nice little getaway that is romantic for two. Ive spent my teenage years till almost 30 held in financial bondage to my Exs ways, its my turn now, to live the life Ive always wanted, and Damn YOU BET IM GONNA LIVE IT!

I have goals, I have dreams, I have things I want to strive for, I have direction, and well, the boyfriend has one, to fix up his vehicle. So how do we mesh here?

He sent me an email today telling me he cant wait to have a free evening and that we can go have some drinks and celebrate his new job and then how he cant wait to get home and “take advantage of me” then he said “Sorry, Im feeling frisky since I wont get to see you much”

I dont know, is it my old shame past and how i view sex at times that makes me take things weird? I just read that and think, “Yeah cool you want sex to celebrate” when Id rather hear something like “Hey Victoria, you know that tax refund and all that money Im making right now, why dont we get away together for a weekend just the two of us?”