Dissatisfied

Dear Diary,


Im sitting here a little sad. Not overly sad and crying, I guess just not pleased with some things at the moment. Doesnt mean this is how they will stay, but its just how I feel right now, today, tonight.


Boyfriend sent me a hello email this AM. I called him after work and first thing he says is “Do you know what today is?” he said its our 1 yr and 3 mos anniv since our first nite ever being together, Where it all started. 🙂 Then he tells me tried to call me but the phone has a block now from making long distance calls. So he cant call me now.


He uses his roomates phone line. I asked him “Did she say to you why she did that? Was it because of phone bills?” He said he didnt know. Granted right now I have the phone plan and make all the calls since they didnt have it in his area. So we have unlimited calls to one another for $25 a month. We would be in deep doo doo with phone bills without it. But he does call me now and then, brief calls, and Im sure he calls elsewhere. So the calls are blocked either because of Him or her teenage daughter. Just another reason why when you share a place with someone to have your own phone line. So I guess I just see it as another thing to feel less connected and like Im making the effort. I dont know, Im just sorta down right now.


He spends all his time talking about computers, the gym and his body. Which I dont mind talking about such things. I guess Id just like to hear more about how he feels about me and about us. The conversations between us are less, not so in depth like they used to be. Are we just reaching a point where that starts to die down? I feel like the “Your my girlfriend now, I dont have to try hard anymore” kinda person.


See how my mind works? Will I feel different next week and sing a different tune. I had so many nice entries about him over a week or so ago. And now things just feel blah. I guess what it is for me is this “This is not my idea of how Id like a committed relationship to be”


Im going to see him friday night and sleeping over. Then he works at 1 the following day. He will come up for the Work party then on Sunday, I had told him several weeks ago he could sleep over that night. Now its like I dont want to have sex, at least in my thinking right now. Yet I also feel like Im using my affection as a tool, you dont make me feel loved and appreciated, you dont deserve that. Is that immature of me? But its like how can I give of myself when I dont feel someone is giving to me. I feel like its being taken.


Ok so hes been alone most his life, does he want to stay that way? Me on the other hand have learned a lot about a relationship and giving. Even though it wasnt the best marriage, I did learn a lot of valuable tools. So does that become an ok excuse to get him out of doing things with or for me? At what point does he say “Yeah Ive been alone, so some things are hard for me, but I want to work on that”


His last 2 girlfriends broke up with him in his words for “Financial reasons” and “One felt ignored”


One of his old girlfriends even said to him about me “So how long is it going to take her to see what an asshole you are?” and boyfriend has purchased a book on how to be more romantic. Cause she told him how unromantic he was. So he was reading it and he owns it, but I guess he stopped or forgot what it said?:(


I will give it some time, but if this keeps up I cant stay like this. Its like for me when you commit to a person you begin to have goals and things you want to accimplish, at least for me thats how it works, and this is often together or on a mutually supported basis. If I wanted just commited sex then I would have remained dating or something else.


I dont know

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