But I love you?

Dear Diary,


Seems there is always something going on around me. The Ex has been calling everyday of the week now. I started turning the phones off. He saying hes calling for the kids. Hes never called like this, Im not stupid. And the children are starting to calm down some and are doing better since they last spoke to him. After counseling she told me I dont have to tell them everyday “Daddy called, Daddy Called” and that I can get that in writing in my settlement agreement how often he can call and have it scheduled. Silly sounding I know, but the man didnt call them for 3 mos once I started talking to him again. And he generally calls about once or twice a week. I kept pushing the kids to call him at the beginning and keep a relationship with their father. Now I let them say when they want to call him. I dont tell them No. But he doesnt need to phone day after day and the other part is he shouldnt be questioning them about me and what I do.


So he called last night, left a message demanding they call him TONIGHT. That hes been calling everyday for a week now. I listened to the anger in his voice, and both the children were playing in their room together listening to a Bible Story tape, no fighting and playing Legos on the floor. I told the boyfriend “And now I walk in and say call you father?” it is really difficult for me being in this place right now. On one hand I have people telling me to protect their best interest, the other side has him to deal with, their Father.


So then I get two messages. Its my Mom, my Ex called her and said to call me to get the children to call him. I told my Mom it is inappropriate for him to call her and ask that. She said she knew. She talked to him for a bit, he said “Ive sent her flowers, I called her the other night crying saying Im sorry, Ill go to marriage counseling” Mom replied “I think its a bit late for the marriage counseling, but I would recommend individual counseling to all of you” he then griped about my attorney, that he doesnt know whats going on, that his attny advised him to wait, that he cant afford this, etc etc.” Mom replied “Well you could have had this done a long time ago with the paralegal” She said at that point his attitude changed and he didnt want to talk anymore. I mean my God I paid for the paralegal with my own saved money, Would have cost us about $400! But he had to be difficult. And hes griping how things arent fair and hes paying to much and on and on, when he doesnt realize things could have been so much simpler, cheaper, no drama, it could have all been handled differently. He made things go this way. But he cant see that.


So I had to sit the children down last night and tell them that when Daddy calls and wants to talk about Mommy that they dont have to. That it is not Daddys business, that the time on the phone is THEIR time. To talk about THEM. THeir toys, school, what they like to do. And that if Daddy wants to talk about Mommy that they can say “I dont want to talk about that” I then said “Your Dad has called do you want to talk to him?” My youngest said yes. My oldest said he wanted to hold the pet rat instead and will talk to Dad tommorow.


I have also been advised that if he starts asking them about me to cut the calls short. Well my youngest called. I did listen. I may have to get a voice recorder, but he kept questioning the youngest “Ive been calling for you all week, doesnt mommy tell you? Why arent you calling me??” over and over, And you know what? My youngest avoided it. He said “huh? What?” Daddy we went to Gmas! Daddy we went to church!” and just avoided all his questions. What a smart kid.


Well Ex then asked to talk to me. He had also questioned my Mother why we get home so late everyday. Why does that matter? She said “Well she works and the kids have to stay a minimum of so much time in the after school program to be able to use it, then when they get home its dinner time, homework, bed or church if they leave in the eve. She doesnt have much time”


Which I told him long ago scheduled dates, I let him pick, and he never called on them. He calls when we arent home, and on church nites. And he knows we go.


So he then says to me “Hi Victoria, how are you doing?” I said ok. He said “You know, there are a lot of people here praying for you” I said “Ok, so are you ready to talk to the kids and when are you coming out” He said he wanted to discuss a few things with me, how I am UNFAIR. I answered “Well that is why we have attorneys to work all of this out. Im not here to discuss ME. This isnt about me. Its about 2 kids who need us to get along. They are what matters.


He then started the crying and saying “I love you, I miss you, things are going so bad right now” I answered “They dont have to go that way, you are chosing it to go this way” he said “I know” He said “I love you” I said “Your actions dont show that” and I told him I had to go.


So I get an email at work from him this AM…


“Pastor G.. you liked him so much then you stopped going to him? I told him exactly how this would all play out, and it happened just like I told him. You would stop going and not talk to him as soon as he found out the truth. Why do you still blame me for everything, I have always told you I was not perfect. You talk about blame shift, But you blame me for everything. Kind of funny.”


Hmm does this sound like someone who is sorry? Who loves me? I havent even talked to my Ex in months. I told him it was over. Im not into blaming anymore. i dont even talk to him. I stopped going to that church cause it was so legalistic, and the pastor even told me my Ex told me an untruth about his own words.


My mother told me “Hun, hes feeling guilt right now and hes trying to make himself feel better. Hes been trying to get you to have communication with him and take him back, you arent responding to his flowers or phone calls, he hasnt sent you any child support, hes harrassing people in your life, hes not thinking of the kids best interest, thats not how someone acts who uses the word Love. Dont let him get you off guard.”

I definately cannot be at the house this weekend during his visit. I really believe he will show up at the doorstep, And I dont want to deal with him. Its over.

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