Im Sad Today

Dear Diary,


I hung up the phone after a confusing conversation with the Boyfriend. I fell right asleep on the couch with all of the lights on in the house and woke up around 3am. I couldnt believe I fell asleep so quickly right there. I didnt even wash my makeup off or anything.


I feel sad today. I feel hurt. I dont know what to make of the whole conversation last night. I dont know if Im wrong in how I feel, if I need to cool down and think thru things for a few days to really see what was said? But then must things always be difficult to figure out? Are things clear? I dont know. I just know I have felt like crying all AM.


I will swear up and down boyfriend mentioned this friend of theres coming into town and saying I should come when it happens. So it came up and he didnt invite me. I was a little hurt. He said ” Im sorry I just forgot” ??? Im your girlfriend? The one you left a note on my bed stand the day before saying how much you miss me now when Im not around and now you just forgot about me?”


Its too hard to type it all out, but I told him my hurt, he apologized and told me I was right, that he was sorry and it wasnt cool of him. I spent all eve at home and my friend G says ” He didnt forget, he didnt want you to go, thats a cop out” So then we havent spoke much all weekend. And he tells me last night about that night out, and then I hear the name again. Blah, his ex girlfriend was there. She is friends with this group. So I guess in my own head I felt he didnt want me there. He wanted to see her or something. He told me she brought a new boyfriend. Then I got quiet. He could tell so I just told him how I felt again, so this time the story changes. He tells me he didnt even know this other friend would be in town till 3 days prior, and sorry he didnt think Id want to go on short notice, and that Im bitching and sweating him over it and he doesnt appreciate it. That he thought of me all night but he didnt feel it was his place to invite me to go.


Sorry, I went thru this with him awhile ago. All he has to say is “Hey can I bring my girlfriend along?” I mean obviously his ex brought her new boyfriend so why wouldnt he be able to bring me?” Seriously I dont get this about him, he says he will not impose on other people. Fact is he just assumes and doesnt ask. Why would they say no to him bringing his girlfriend with him? It doesnt make sense to me? So he tells me his ex was trying to get him to go and dance him with her and a friend. It was just strange for me to listen to this. She broke up with him, he was hung up on her for awhile and wanted her back. Then not long after he and I hooked up.


So I basically had told him “When do you plan things for us to do together?” Cause all of the events or outings we have had Ive planned. He does come over granted. But after awhile it makes me feel like just a sleep over buddy if there isnt more planned on his part. Even though he tells me its more than that, it still starts to bug me after awhile. I have to put together dates for us or just going out.


So he basically said all this to me last night


“Listen Im used to being alone, I know you want to go out and do things, Im not really into that, Ive done all that already and Im more content to just sit home. Im not really a planner, I like to just fly by the seat of my pants and see what comes up. And its really hard for me to even think of planning anything with you at this point until things are finalized with your Ex, you arent divorced yet” and he just kept on this speel.


I just sat crying listening.


I said “Well then why did we become exclusive? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? If thats how you feel? He said “I dont know, it seemed like the logical next step?”


He then told me this is how he is and if Im bothered by it I can start WALKING.


I was like what the heck? So now its so easy to end and all? I just wanted to talk to him about us doing things together and hes like giving the throw in the towel speech?


I just felt hurt by a lot of his words. For one the part he doesnt want to go out hes done all that before, hes done with that.


And then the part about planning more with me right now is hard because the divorce isnt final? Ok so why be my boyfriend if thats how he feels? What does being exclusive mean to him? We are exclusive sexually?????


I know hes dealing with a lot also. Im trying to be understanding of him, but I also have me to think of, and well I was hurt last night, My heart was crushed. It felt like every area I discussed he trampled and said “Tough Im not into that or that way, heres the door if you dont like it”


I told him about the call from my Ex. He said “You know you already starting packing your bags” under his breath.


I said “Listen, I dont want to go back. Im in love with you” He just said “Yeah we will see, see if you fall into the cycle again”


I see hes afraid I will go back, but his negativity isnt a help. I want to be with him. I dont need him to push me away.


Anyways, I should be having a free weekend coming up this weekend. We are attending a party together on Sunday for my work I invited him too. But hes working other parts of weekend, so we discussed going out fri nite and me staying over and leaving around noon. The girl from church asked me out to hang out, which i can do, but Im so tempted to just cancel anything, find someone friday and just leave town and do what it is I love doing. Drive up the coast, visit some historical sites, spend a nite in a hotel, go to a party maybe sat night. But its like I have so many guy pals and not many female friends that can do that. In a way I guess I feel like lashing out myself. Just taking a guy with, heck boyfriend has all female friends anyways, I sound so high school saying it. I do not know what to do with this part of things. I have things I want to do, and if he doesnt want to do them, I want someone to share them with.


🙁

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