His Issues

Dear Diary,

Just reflecting as I work today. I went thru this a few mos ago. The boyfriend exhibiting all these similar responses right after I ended things with my Ex for good.

My boss has told me “Those are HIS issues, dont let yourself get drawn into them”

Ok so how do you not? This is the part where Im learning boundaries. And Im not that good at it.

So how could I handled all that differently when he speaks this way? I think I did ok last night. I basically told him “I love you” he would be quiet and say thank you, or say You do? So he is kinda puzzled that I can still love him when he acts this way, yet at same time Ive lived that kinda marriage. I had ever enduring love, and I cant reward words or unkind things with I love yous because what does that teach my partner? That they can do this to me and I will love them no matter. Its a very confusing thing for me since Im a christian and believe in unconditional love and loving a person who is treating me poorly. So I guess its how do you divide it all up? I do love him, but the way he talks to me at times or things he says are not ok with me. So until he able to better communicate with me in a way that isnt hurtful do I tell him I will not talk any further? I just dont know how to do this, its something new Im learning.

Its as if hes pushing me away it feels at times, trying to say things offensive to see if I will leave him? Why?

I told him last night that it wasnt funny and enough on the church thing.

At one point I asked him “What is going on with you? You have told me you have old demons and voices from your past that you are dealing with, can you share anything with me?” He attempted, but he thinks a lot differently then I do and he is very impatient when people do not understand where he is coming from. He took awhile, but he is just so rude at times. His tone is like hes talking down to me for not understanding and he admits he lacks patience with most people, because in his own head things are clear and he doesnt understand why others can see it, so he has to go thru and explain something and take TIME and he gets annoyed by it that people dont just get it. Cause in the end what he was trying to explain to me….

its hard to right, but he said “What is Reality?” and he said “You and I could both be at a same event, but we could both take away a different perspective from it. So what is reality then if people take away different things from something? I have percieved things in my life and had thought they were a certain way for 15 yrs of my life, and now Im seeing that maybe it isnt so, and its not comfortable, its easier to cling to what you know”

I said I could relate once he broke it down like that. Just as my church life. I spent 12 yrs in one church. I allowed things in my life that I thought were ok? And I didnt know any different, I accepted teachings as TRUTH, and I also placed rules on myself, because I THOUGHT I SHOULD be this or that way. Not really knowing what I believed within myself. Now here I am rediscovering things. I said “Why do you think it was so hard for me to end it with my Ex? To say the word DIVORCE?” Because I spent 12 years hearing “Divorce is not an option for Christians and believe it, so I could not make peace within my own self to end it” It takes time to shake old patterns loose. I understand.

But he is annoyed that I dont understand it right off without him giving me an example?

I stopped him at one point and said “LISTEN, I want to hear your struggles and hurts, Im your girlfriend and I love you, that is WHY I am with you, to share in your life WITH YOU, the good and the bad. Im not bothered by your sharing, I welcome it, I just do not appreciate the tone that you speak to me with.”

He just got quiet and said ok.

He has this tendency to talk down to people, and I dont like it. You can share a point without talking to someone like they are stupid. But once again my boss’s words “THOSE ARE HIS ISSUES” I have a tendency to take things personal and internalize.

I AM NOT STUPID. ITS NOT MY FAULT. HE IS THE ONE WHO LACKS THE PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING, THAT IS FOR HIM TO FIGURE OUT, NOT ME.

Right Victoria?

So I guess for me Im just trying to figure out how to be when such things happen.