Breaking Free

Dear Diary,

Just got home, had dinner at Moms tonight with the kids. We talked a lot, mom and I always can talk, we talk about everything and everyone else really well. But ourselves, HA, well I can talk about me, but Mom doesnt have a lot to say real deep about herself.

We talked about Cher, about Dr Phil, about the little 7 yr old girl whos body was found, about my counseling, about my Ex, about the counseling, about work, and on and on. The only real thing Mom said about herself was at the dinner table before we got ready to eat. My youngest grabbed his fork and spoon and was proceeding to bang the table and get ready for the “I WANNA EAT” chant so often repeated on television and such places. I stopped his quickly and said “Dont do that” Mom told him it was bad manners. Then she looked up at me and spelled out Grandfather to me and said my Dad and my siblings used to do this to my Mom long ago, she got upset at my father for encouraging them to do this to her.

I talked to the boyfriend briefly online, then called him before I picked up youngest from school for a brief call. He was working on his tax refund and in total shock that he was getting over $1000 back! He will also qualify for student aide at college becuase of his income last year. I told him to take advantage of all the doors open to him right now. He was so happy. I congratulated him. 🙂 He then joked and said “Well lets see first Ill go buy a big stash of weed supply and start selling” I laughed and responded “Oh nooo wait you gotta move out here, buy a trailer and start a meth lab” Mind you his humor is catching on to me as odd as it is, but me saying that totally busted him into laughter. He said “Wow I like the way you think, you dont start small, yeah the Meth Lab!” and we both sat laughing together on the phone.

The past few days he has been laughing. Its so nice to hear. It feels so good to laugh. I checked all the info for our day outing next week. I cant wait! I get to spend an entire day with him and going to a museum and out for lunch. 🙂

I was reading Salamander again. The topic of words got me thinking. Mainly what it caused me to think about was something Mom says to me “Daughter, they werent brought up the way you were, they dont think like we do” And in my womens group we are told “Dont apply logic to a illogical person” Even in counseling years ago with my Ex she told me that when my Ex went into an angry rage that I needed to get the children and leave the house. This bothered me. I felt “Why do I have to leave? I did nothing wrong! He needs to go!” and Id stand my ground. She said to me “He is not thinking logically at those moments, you have the ability to do so, you need to remove yourself and your children from his presence because reasoning with him does nothing but draw you in more and put your kids thru more” From that point out I left his sight when the rage flared.

This morning I was thinking about the wall by the front door. About that moment with my Ex. Im not even really sure what the argument was now to be honest. But he proceeded to stand there, slam the front door and pound the wall next to it with his fist. The drywall broke and he continued to pound a large gaping hole in the wall. This wasnt just a small I kicked a hole, it was a I banged it several times and made a BIG HOLE. It scared me, and I promptly left the house, as the drywall lay all over the floor. When he got like this it did scare me, it was intimadating. The last pastor had said “Well at least he hit a wall and not you” Like I was supposed to feel better? The fear was still within me.

And then with church we are taught Love endures, Love is long suffering, turn the other cheek. I believe thats why abuse continues on for so long. I think we truly dont understand all of those verses, we dont take into the other verses in the bible about Wisdom, character, accountability, on and on. I thought if only I could be good enough, be calm enough, Oh yes my good christian conduct will win him over to change.

So what he didnt do somethign nice for me on holidays, birthdays, anniversaries for several years. But I continued to buy him a card saying I love and some little momento. Because I never wanted to be known to be the way he was. I thought my good example would break thru.

It didnt, it only got worse.

I have learned to stop caring what others think or feel about me. Because I know who I am inside now. And I really like who I am. Instead of always trying to be this ideal mold of what I thought I should be.

I kept myself in my own personal bondage for so long.

Its so wonderful to be breaking free.