Im Afraid of Good Things

Dear Diary,

Well I made sure to get ready early this AM before work so that I could do some Valentines Day shopping. Since Im working a odd shift now and get off later days and my week is all appointments this was really the only time for me to shop for the man Im dating and the children. So I went out this AM and found him a card, a little gift, some goodies for the kids, then went and purchased a 1 hr massage for the man Im dating. I couldnt think of what to give him, and hes never had a professional massage and hes always sore because he is always working out. So I thought it would be something hed like and then headed home and off to work.

So here I am I have had the most wonderful weekend with him. Then last night on the phone we got into a conversation and it was just really draining and I guess a little confusing for me with why their is this odd tension when we discuss topics. Something is wrong, but I cant make out what it is. This happened last year at one real awkward moment while out to dinner. He just shut down and got quiet and seemed upset but would really say much and I was stumped as to how this came out of our convo. Later on he informed me more about some personal stuff about himself. Basically that moment of what I said wasnt that I said or did anything wrong, it was a trigger for something I knew nothing about, yet how can a person not take something personal when their date acts strange to them over something that doesnt seem that big a deal, especially when they dont know where the upset stems from. So last night it happened again.

I think we talked thru it all ok, but still the core of what happened I do not now.

So this AM I get his gifts, pick out a sweet card, and I plan to write a little letter to go inside about why I love him. So I get to work and see him online, we chat briefly and I asked if I would see him or if he would be home on Valentines Day. That I wanted to mail him something in time if I dont see him. He was just so cold, so blah about the holiday, it crushed my heart. “Dammit you fool this woman right here loves you? And you cut down the day after she just spent all AM looking for something for you?” Is what I was thinking. I had asked him why he made a special trip out last mothers day, bought me a card and gift, and he even had to borrow a car cause he had car trouble. He felt it that important to see me. So I asked him why he placed different value on that day then valentines. All he could say was “I dont know, I just did” So now Im puzzled, hes in this FUCK Valentines day mood, Im crying and hurt, and then he tells me “See I do one nice thing then you go and use it against me” Im like what???? I was just asking about his reasoning. Since he says holidays are all about marketing and commercialism.

I know theres more beyond all this. But then he told me that he could make my life easier and not see me. And signed off. So here I am sitting her dumbfounded. Having had a wonderful weekend of closeness with this man, then within 2 days hes trampled it to pieces. I sit here with the card I purchased with all the warm thoughts, and all I want to do is throw it at him. What on earth is this?? I talked to the guy at work, and he said to me “There is something going on with him, the problem is finding out what it is” And to not take it personal once again, remembering the Trigger thing. Cause to be honest, it happens to me often also. I have been upset or expressed something due to how I was treated by my Ex, and then I may become terribly upset about it and the man Im dating doesnt understand what is going on. And he tells me “But I am not your Ex” I know this, but its hard to undo 14 yrs of my life and viewing certain things, even after hes gone. I have a lot of healing to do, which requires patience. And then with all the abuse he endured at the hands of his family growing up. He has his own set of hurts, triggers and things to heal from. And it seems a lot of this revolves around our sexuality. Not neccessarily us having problems having sexual intimacy but more of our views or thoughts or value we place on things. I know he needs some counseling, Ive sent him info and links for info and he has acknowledged, but once again. I cant make a person get help. They have to want it.

After he singed off line I put my head down on my desk and cried. I had to get it together. He returned back shortly and said he didnt know what was wrong with him, that he has a lot of things in his mind to sort out. And he just cant deal with this right now. So I asked him what he needed from me? back off? Dont talk for awhile? What? He answered “All I need is a hug and I will talk to you later ok?” and sent me his little cyber kiss and that was the end of it.

So I can respect that. That is fine. My dillemma is this. After being in such a abusive marriage for so long. I dont want to reward behavior I dont appreciate it with love and praise. Im not trying to be conditional with my Love. I always love him, but if I constantly be this always loving understanding woman who lets him dump on me, what does this teach him about how to treat me? THat he can hurt me and I will always be there? NO. I believe a person needs to make some type of amends, prove something, am I wrong in this? I just dont want to fall back into something unhealthy is all. We are both on tough roads in life. I said to him “I love you, must you try to trample that? Why cant you just accept it?” And he has told me over and over again how hard a time he has with “good things” happening in his life. He says “If I became successful in life, then what would I do?” Which I dont quite get his mindset, hes used to failure and says its like a old blanket he knows well, but success and goodness scare him?