Going to San Fran?
Dear Diary,
Im just sitting here. I want to type so much yet dont feel like putting out the energy to type it all. I just wish I could transfer my thoughts here by just thinking them. I feel like crying right now. Not a bad cry. I feel like crying because of how the man Im dating has been with me. Just many things came together this past weekend. We discussed many things very openly, past conflicts, the way we were brought up and view the world, and then the example he gave me on how I approach things. He said to me…
“Say your planning a trip to San Francisco, now its gonna take some time to drive there, so you have a goal, the broader perspective. So you get in the car and drive 15 min, then pull over and yell and get angry saying “IM NOT IN SAN FRANCISCO!” Well of course you arent, your on your way there, but it will take some time and travel. This is how you view things, you arent looking at the bigger picture, you react to that moment, now its valid you feel that way at the moment, but do you make a judgement right there? No”
This was of course speaking to me and how I have viewed what has gone on between us. I have so much to learn to still. And we both know about the love we have for eachother. He also shared about the way he grew up. He was abused, his family kept secrets, he learned to lie and not trust anyone but himself early on. So he shared with me how he has spent his life only looking out for himself, self absorbed. How he doesnt seem to look beyond himself, And that is a hard area for him. Because its all hes had. The longest relationship he has ever had is 6 mos, so Im the record breaker he has told me. We certainly are 2 different people from broad ends of the spectrum. I guess the commanility is respect? At times I feel so bad for ways Ive responded to him or things I have put him thru.
We also spoke at my group session today about boundaries. It really struck me and I was listening very intently because what was addressed were boundaries I havent established with men. And Ive already passed that point with the man I dated as far as things I have communicated. I cant take back the past, but it all logged into my memory today the things I have done wrong and dont want to do again.
As we stood in line yesterday at the coffee shop( Date and I ) there was a bin of stuffed teddy bears holding little “I love you” hearts. My Date said “I would get you something like that but it all seems to trite” I then got close to his ear and said “I have nothing to sleep with except a tiny hand sized animal, nothing to hold when Im not with you” and he smiled and heard me I believe and my point. He has never been big on holidays or things like that. I shocked him last year for Valentines by sending him a gift, He bah hum bugs holidays. And he did say “Well Im not big on the whole commercialism thing, but also Ive never had anyone to share these days with either” Im running out of time but will go and find a gift for him tommorow. Something to let him know how much he means to me this Valentines.